we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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