dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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