Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
