I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
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i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
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I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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