i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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