Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
