Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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