If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
