I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
