I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
