I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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