3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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