he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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