I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
