ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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