I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
