My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
