what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
