I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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