I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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