Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
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We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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