hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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