My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
