Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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