my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
