This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
