I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We left the knife in your bed.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
