You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
