If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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