dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
