and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
