He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
