then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
