Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
