So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
