I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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