I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
