I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
