you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
