it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
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lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
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You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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