so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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