Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
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We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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