On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
