Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
