The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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