I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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