i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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