just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
