it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
