Im at strip club and am horny
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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