last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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