Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
