She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
